Milestonesforlife

We always hear about how we’re a product of our environment…and some of us came from such child focused families like myself - the traditional Irish Catholic -that’s its hard to break the behavior. Not that anything is wrong with it!

Sometimes, however, we can become so child focused, that we forget our spouses along the way.  Children truly learn from healthy parental relationships, not from doting or being spoiled.

Being on the road, it is a very tight walk between spending time with your child, your spouse and downtime for yourself…and sometimes, even though I spend time with them, it’s more chore related than quality time.

I guess what I’m trying to say is - make the time you spend with your spouse and children quality time (vs quantity time). Quality time goes a long way.

Just think back to your fondest childhood memories! I can’t remember the gifts I received along the way but I can remember the people in my life and especially the ones that had a big influence in my life (including teachers).

This exerpt is from “Connecting with our Children” by Dr Roberta Gilbert and is very evident in today’s economic climate …please be aware of it!

Anxiety visibly passes between and among people in a family group. If Dad comes home upset because an important deal was lost or because he lost his job, he may begin to “take it out” on Mom, criticizing and accusing her of not living up to his standards of child or house care.

Mom may try to justify what she thinks and does so angrily or tearfully, or she may shut down, sad and quiet. In either case, Dad’s anxiety has moved to Mom.

Next, the three year old, seeing his mother’s distress, may begin to cry. The anxiety has moved to him.

Their six-year-old, noticing the emotional intensity, goes immediately to his room. The anxiety has now moved to him.

In this way, if the adults in a family have a problem they do not deal with and resolve, anxiety gets displaced to a child manifesting itself as something that may mis-diagnosed as problem behavior.

Remember, our children are watching every move we make!

I attended a fantastic positive coaching seminar last week for my son’s little league which can be widely applied. It was sponsored by the Positive Coaching Alliance (PCA) - positivecoach.org which is focused on double-goal coaching: winning and teaching life lessons.

Here are just a couple great takeaways:

1. Redefine Winner - Encourage players to meet “effort” goals which are tied to how hard they try.

2. Reward “Unsuccessful” Efforts - so players know you value the effort above all.

3. Flush/Park Mistakes - Fear of making mistakes can negatively impact performance. Flush(toilet)/Park mistakes and re-visit them as teachable moments after the game.

4. Fill the emotional tank - strive to achieve 5:1 ratio of positive reinforcements to criticism/corrections.

5. Use Kid-Friendly Criticism - asking a player if he/she is open to a suggestion makes the criticism easier to receive. Use If-Then statements (right from our own DVD).

6. Model and Teach a Positive Game -Include parents and children on conversations and life lessons. Email children and parents weekly newsletters and nominate a “culture keeper” (parent responsible for keeping other parents in line).

7. Behavioral problems - Reinforce the behavior you want. Ignore the behavior you don’t want. When you can’t ignore - Intervene in a “least attention” Manner.

I attended a great session on bullying at my son’s school on Friday. It was hosted and created by Jay Banks, a 25 year educator in the industry who has appeared on Nickelodeon, the Hallmark Channel and schools across the country.

It was delivered to parents, teachers and children at the same time so we got to hear the same msg with our children sitting with us. Great for ensuring we’re hearing the same thing and discussing at home.

The two big take-aways I received were as follows:

1. Bullying was defined as “trying to control anothers actions” such that it isn’t always physical…it can be verbal and emotional.

2. and second was the tools for our children to use if being “bullied”…S.T.A.M.P. out bullying meaning…

S - Stay away from bullys

T - Tell someone

A - Avoid bad situations

M - Make friends

P - Project Confidence

80% of our children are being bullied on a daily basis either physcially or verbally…so it might be worth a discussion with your child…regardless of what side of the equation you’re sitting on.

 Enoy!

Well, it’s that time of year again. Time to sign the kids up for all the sports and activities they are going to attend until summer! I’m not sure if its me, but is this overwhelming or what? and does anyone consult your children along the way?

Here are 3 helpful things I’ve found to get through the process…

1. Consult your children on what activities they might enjoy (baseball, basketball, dance, girl scouts, skating, bowling). You might be surprised what you hear.

2. Put them in a level which is a comfortable fit. Historically, I always put my child in a level slightly beyond his means (ie coach pitch vs T-ball) hoping he will rise to the occasion. Sometimes, this has the opposite effect and your child gets frustrated resulting in an early end of season.

3. Sign them up with a friend and assist with the coaching. This is helpful if your child is still a pre-schooler because you really can’t drop them off and leave….and typcially no experience is necessary to help out.

Most important, ensure both you and your child are having fun! This ensures a successful season and possible return visit next year!

I know. It sounds foreign doesn’t it? We all want our children to succeed to their fullest potential. Why would we deliberately let our children make mistakes?

Well, kids need to make mistakes, experience the consequences, then get the chance to make a different decision. Whether its forgetting the homework, leaving for school without a jacket or missing a meal, as long as their decision is not life-threatening, they should be allowed to mess up. Then you can witness first hand how mature they are on thier next attempt.

My little 6 year old cut his finger on a jack knife at our first cub scout camping trip (see blog dated Nov 24th, 2008) . I didn’t even know other kids were allowed to have jack knives at that age. Long story short, my son is very careful around knives especially when emptying the dishwasher.

So,,,next time you’re about to correct a behavior,,play it through to determine if there’s any teachable moments.  

I was asked about Divorce and the Holidays the other day…and how difficult it was for each parent to compete with the other. Fortunately, I’m not dealing with that but rather another issue - an inter-faith relationship.

I posed these questions to Dr Kathi who had a totally different take on both - I expected nothing different. She said (without missing a beat),,,what a perfect time for parents to start new traditions with their children. Whether a parent finds him/herself in a new relationship, a new town, starting over or celebrating two holidays for the first time, our children will remember the time spent rather than the money spent. 

The one-on-one time and relationship between child and parent needs to be re-established and there is no need to hold onto expectations as to how things once were or how things are supposed to be - things only are as you make them. Expectations are self-imposed and not the expectations of our children. If we’re happy and committed to our children, it’s an easy thing for our children to embrace accordingly.

Well, by now, if you’re like me, you’re probably caught up in the craziness of the Holidays. Never a spare moment. Running from tree trimming to gift shopping to decorating…and how are we going to afford all those gifts that our kids want?

Well, this Holiday season, I’m a little less crazy because they’re not getting all those gifts they think they’re entitled to. I’ve come to realize that the only expectations we’re letting down are our own. So what if our children don’t get everything on their list…did they really expect to? and if so, who set those expectations?

I’m using the holidays as a perfect time to teach my 6 yr old about the value of money and giving. I made him buy the lego cargo airplane he wanted for $40 out of his own money that he earned. He earns $5 for washing my car so that plane means he had to wash my car 8 times.

He then realized how expensive that plane was.

But are our kids really measuring us by the amount of gifts they receive? or will they remember the time spent with us singing at parties, playing games together and having fun!

My bet is on the latter! so don’t sweat the gift agenda,,it really doesn’t matter,,only to you! 

Is is possible to push your child into a sport before he or she is ready?

Yes, that’s my son in the soccer picture. Age 3. The one crying on the end. I think it was Dad that wanted to be there more than him. Why not,,i was reliving my childhood. I loved the thrill of coaching. I forgot one thing. Everyone was having fun (including me) except my son.

Don’t get angry at me! It’s tough when you have to compete with every kid on the block! I finally found that by allowing my child to pick sports that he wanted to play, he was more apt to enjoy himself and excel. The past two years its been swimming and tennis. Hard to believe that a 5 year old can swim 20 laps in an Olympic size pool.

 …and finally this year,,he’s coming around to baseball. My favorite (I was a Babe Ruth all star). Sometimes I forget myself when I’m out there knocking kids over to make a play. Then, I remember, where is my son. Oh yea,,he’s over on the playground. Who’s agenda is this anyway?

I heard that by age 7, they finally start to like it,,,so I’m still hopeful! sigh…

Well, I did it! Having never camped before in my life, I made it through the night in forty degree temps in a tent in a sleeping bag (make that 2 sleeping bags) on my son’s camping trip for cub scouts! Well, needless to say, I didn’t stay very long the next day because I had nothing left to prove but boy did he have a great time!

I was pleasantly surprised when I arrived at this Christain Retreat in the hills of Florida (yes we have hills)…complete with Cafe, Game Room, Lake, Tennis, Ball fields and Canoes. They even had cabins which had I known would have been very tempting.  Anyway, the bonding experience that took place somewhere between the hayride, cooking smores and a very large camp fire is ir-replaceable.

Now, for those Dads (and moms because there were several moms) that are not quite into camping, here’s a few tips to get you through the night:

1. Worst Case, stay the entire day and leave at night after all the activities are complete. I didn’t realize that was an option until I arrived and already set up the tent. 

2. Arrive after lunch on Day 2 and leave very early on Day 3. This is what I did which made it bearable! (Considering the temps). We made it through breakfast (yes pancakes on the grill) and got in a little hiking before taking off for home.

3.  If you’re still reading this option 3, then you’re a true camper and you don’t need my advice. I was surprised to see that the campgrounds were filled with you folks who were watching football games from their flat screen TVs. (Is that really camping!)

Bottom line! We had a lot of fun! and although it will be a while before my next trip (smile), my son got to appreciate “mother nature” like she’s meant to be appreciated …and got a little bit closer to me!